Thinking about getting married? Try these date suggestions.

​This blog post is for people in a relationship that could conceivably progress to marriage.  As a college president, I work in the middle of people who are pondering key relationship questions such as, How do I know if this is the one?

When Denise and I are asked that question, we resort to the old staple: You just know. But I’ve come to believe that that answer works only in retrospect (after the fact). If marriage works out great, then We just knew. If it doesn’t, then we messed up in the critical moments of discerning the relationship. Dating couples deserve a better answer than You’ll know.

So here is my considered wisdom for a generation trying to get the marriage decision right. I’m suggesting 10 “must-do” dates that will likely reveal something about the person you are getting serious with.  And if that person has no interest in going on most or all of these dates with you, well, that might tell you something, too.

The Assisted Living/Nursing Home Date

Buy some cut flowers and choose a random nursing home. Go to the community room and engage. Start asking the residents questions about their lives. Then listen. Observe your date. Do he or she care? Is there a genuine interest? Can he or she be comfortable in the presence of dementia? Does this person know how to respect the story of a stranger? Following the visit, as with each of the dates below, go to a coffee shop and talk about what you encountered. 

The Escape Room Date

You’ve probably already done this. This date gives you the chance to see your date under pressure. How does he or she treat people who are slowing them down? Does this person engage in the pursuit? How task-driven is he or she? Is this more about relationships, fun, or winning? What is driving them?

The Church Date

Hopefully, this is not a new thing for either of you. If you are a devoted follower of Jesus, dating and marrying someone who does not find life in Christ—think carefully about this. But do go to church together. I’d suggest you try something off the beaten path. Go to a small church that sings old songs and is five funerals away from closing. Does your date dismiss the faith of these people? Is this a joke? What is his or her capacity for finding meaning in practices and people who are older?

The Baby Sitting Date

Hopefully, there will be a messy diaper during the evening. Can your date deal with messy? How is the division of labor handled? Do you see initiative or avoidance? What kind of parent is peeking through? Does time pass fast or slow?

The Animal Shelter Date

You can watch for compassion here. You’ll also see whether sentimental feelings cloud solid judgment. If you have to talk your date out of adopting an animal on the spot, you may be dating a person whose judgment is ruled by sympathetic feelings. Look for middle ground in your date –compassion/love for God’s creations but also responsible decisions. If your date leaves a small donation, that’s a great sign.

Game Night Date

Chose games that are competitive, solo winner/loser, and in line with the interests of your date. Observe how your date handles winning and losing. Experiment with good-natured trash talk. Can he or she laugh when it isn’t going their way? Can they take teasing? How competitive is your date? If this were an important issue at stake, and one of you would lose and the other win, is this the person you’d want by your side?

The Veteran’s Home

Go tell aging soldiers that you appreciate what they did on behalf of your freedom. Listen to their stories. How does your date react to the cost of war? How does he or she express gratitude to those who have suffered? What does he or she do in the face of PTSD, amputations, shattered memories?

The Formal Date

Wear a suit. Wear a fancy dress. Eat somewhere fairly expensive. Go to a classical concert or a noted theatrical performance. Does your date wilt or waltz? Do you see enough self-esteem or gumption to engage the setting rather than being intimidated by it? Can he or she navigate settings that are new and different? Is this fun? Even if your financial tastes do not gravitate in this direction, you will observe the willingness of your date to explore new settings and experiences. Maybe you prefer to marry a homebody, but if you want get out a lot, this date will tell you whether your potential marriage partner is up to it. 

The Volunteer Project

Find a sweaty, dirty, difficult work project. The more challenging, the better. Help pick up trash in an urban housing neighborhood. Join a Habitat for Humanity team. Unload trucks for the local food bank. Work at a soup kitchen or aid a mission. Does your date work hard? Is he or she counting the minutes until they can get back on their cell phone or the couch? Are they more interested in selfies than the tasks at hand? Does he or she take interest in and engage with the people doing this kind of thing? Does your date care about other people or are they just placating you by being there?

The Family Picture Album Date

Pack a picnic lunch and go to the park. Find a shade tree. Bring your family pictures—all the way back to great grandparents if you can. Tell each other the stories of your relatives. Ask questions. Listen carefully enough to repeat the narratives. Then, go to your date’s home and sit with their family and tell them what you heard. How do these family dynamics work? Is there respect, open communication, appreciation of the family that raised him or her, loving regard and laughter? If this is as awkward as wearing your clothes backward, you may want to think carefully about the relationship.

With each of these dates, you are taking another step on your journey. The question is simple: Do we keep going, pause or stop? As you share life together on these unique dates, ask yourself if this is the person you want to experience life with. Listen to your head and your heart. Don’t be swept to the altar by a tide of romantic hope or surface-based information. Seek depth. Go there thoughtfully.

One last note. All of this assumes that you actually date. Many college students have seen so many broken marriages that they are afraid to commit, even to a date. I’ve written about this in a chapter titled “If Dating is Dead” in my book Human Sexuality II: A Primer for Christians.

If you want to know if this is “the one,” try some of these dates. And even as you observe your date, listen to your own heart. It is telling you something. And maybe you’ll just know.